Birthday week!

It's my birthday week!!!! Yeah me. I had a really good birthday, and it seems the people around me really do value me :) I think I forget that sometimes. I fail to see the value in myself. I rarely think that what I have done is good enough, I tend to second guess myself.

It was really nice yesterday to hear "happy birthday" I know that it is a very small thing. But I live so much of my life isolated. I have locked myself away, because I don't want to get hurt. I think that no one really would like to hear what I have to say, or if I do say something they will think me weird, or a looser. And so here I am blogging on a site that I know that no one reads. For a purpose that I can not decide upon. Yep that's me.

So I am trying to put myself out there. Overcome these feelings of insecurity that I imagine everyone has, but some are better at hiding it than others. I am signing myself up for more of a leadership role at my work. I am attempting to get healthy one OUNCE! at a time. And I am LETTING GO! Releasing all the things that I have allowed to hold me back.

1/1/11 the first day of another new year

So I noticed this morning that this year starts on 1/1/11. Not an earth shattering realization I know (and probably something I should have thought of before today). I have regarded 1:11 and 11:11 to be times that when you notice them on the clock take a quick minute to reflect on what it is you want for yourself and welcome that into your life. So today being 1/1/11 is for me significant because I am trying to make changes in my life (aren't we all) I started this blog way back when under these same pretenses, loose weight get healthy... and as always happens I reverted to old habits and let the opportunity for change pass me by.

This year I again have set out to make changes, I have rejoined Weight watchers (and have enlisted the whole family, particularly the husband with me) and I have re-committed to getting in more steps. Starting with 8000/day and increasing by 500 each month (thanks to the folks at walkertracker.com and a competition there)
This year feels different. I am really continuing a journey that I have already started rather than starting over. It is a different mindset. One of welcoming in the new and improved me, rather than fighting to be something better. Semantics I know, but for me it means I am no longer fighting myself, and no longer changing because I am not good enough now. I AM good enough now, I just need to improve! Not totally replace the person I am now.

So I am blogging. Not because anyone is actually going to read this, (but if you do, leave me comments!) but because I need to reflect on my journey. I need to support my desire to be a better me, rather than "hold myself accountable."
So this year, no resolutions. Instead I am following the advice found in Christine Kane's Blog and picking a word for the year. I am choosing the word RELEASE for 2011 because I need to let go/release

hurts from my past
the desire to have control
the idea that I am not good enough
all the extra crap/stuff in my house and and work
the extra weight I am carrying around!

Not a complete list but you get the idea.
So here's to 2011, may it bring with it happiness, joy, and success!

reflections on time

Why is it that there never seem to be enough hours in the day. It seems some days that I have just gotten up when the day is over and it is time to go to bed. I am really enjoying exploring all that Web 2.0 has to offer, but I am left wondering how am I ever going to get this all figured out so that I can use it effectively. I know that my students could really respond to all this if I can just get the time management part of it figured out.

Recently I set up a Twitter Account for the Academy, but I haven't updated it it weeks! Also the kids havn't really taken me up on following us on Twitter. I am hoping that maybe parents will. But even if I can get folowers, If I don't post updates it will not be useful!

I do think that technology can open up new avenues for communication and for learning, and even be a time saver. But first I have to put in the time to get it all figured out.

So it has been about a month since I posted. I am still a bit discouraged because the number on the scale does not seem to be going down and I ask my self "why work so hard, when it does not seem to make a difference?" But I know that the number on the scale is only one measure of health.

This morning I had to take the car in to the shop. It is going to have to be there most of the day, so I walked the mile and half home, rather than ask for a ride or make other arrangements. This is something I probably would not have even considered more than a year ago. I think I do feel better overall. I seem to have more energy and am thinking a little more clearly. Small baby steps... I have to remember that I have to focus on good health as well as weight loss.

Discouragement

So, I am feeling very discouraged. This is about the point I tend to give up. I start off strong, and then loose all motivation. It feels like I am not seeing much difference. I have been at this (attempting to eat whole foods) for 1 month. But this week I have hit a kind of plateau. I do not have any real support besides the web. The husband is reluctant but not totally unwilling, and the children (ages 11 and 13) are ready to stage a coup.

I have lost 5-6 lbs, but the scale shows a 1 lb gain this week. It is starting to feel like this is going to be way too much work. From planning a new menu to figuring out how to shop for whole foods, ie. what is a good price for - fill in the blank- Sucanat, white whole wheat flour, agave, kale, collard greens etc.?

And I know that I will have to do a lot of experimenting. I tried to make pancakes with white whole wheat flour and I messed them up horribly. But I was able to get the family to eat vegetarian chili, though the children complained.

Last night I had a lapse, I went and got a chicken Calzone and then stopped and got a Dove candy bar at a gas station. I do not really feel any different today. I got up and went for a walk, and then had a green smoothie when I got back and then had a baked potato for lunch.

Overall I do think that I have slightly more motivation and maybe more energy, but I am having a hard time saying that I feel all that much different. So I want to reflect on the "good" things that I have been doing this month (in an effort to keep myself motivated).

Things I am doing well.

1. Soda Free - I have not had any soda (of any kind)
2. Green smoothies - I have had a green smoothie every morning
3. Limited white sugar - I have severely limited refined white sugar, and have substituted agave and honey. I have had some sugar in bread and other sneaky places. But have refrained from cakes and cookies.
   
4. More fruits and veggies - Salads, apples for snacks, etc.
5. Exercise - I continue to go for walks and track my steps (an average of 10000 steps per day this month)
6. Healthy dinners - I have discovered the family will eat Navajo tacos and veggi-chili on baked potatoes but I need to find more.
   

The tipping point

I have been thinking about my journy so far, and realized that I have been building up to this point for a long time. When reading weight loss stories it is motivating and depressing at the same time. The stories always come off like, "I just woke up one morning and I decided to exercise and follow, fill in the blank diet program, and Poof I am skinny!" So I thought I would spend some time reflecting on how I came to this current path.

I have never been happy with how I look. When I got married I was 170 lbs (I am 5 ft tall) and then with each of my children I gained 30 lbs. So 60 lbs later I hate the way I look. I went through a long period of time where I would read diet books, Stop the Insanity, Fit for Life, Eat Right For Your Type etc. And would start off with good intentions, but I could never really get off the ground with any diet program. In Jan 2003 I joined weight watchers with some friends from work and was able to stick with the program for a while, but I continued to drink Dr pepper and eat cookies. I did add in salad, and wheat bread, but I never really stuck with it. I would go through fits and starts where I would stay on the program and then I would fall off the wagon. I did manage to loose 20 lbs and achieve my first 10 % goal about a year later, then I just quit. I can't really say why exactly, but I think fear of success had a little to do with it. I hate it when people day "you look like you have lost weight" I don't know why exactly but I do. You would think I would be ecstatic, I DO WANT to lose weight, I guess I just don't want other people to notice. And so I bounced back up to 228 or so.

Growing up I never had a consistent role model for food. We were stuck in survival mode. I do not remember sitter down to dinner as a family consistently. My Mom has been overweight my entire life. And with divorces and instabilities, my life growing up was never consistent enough to worry about food. When I got to be a teenager, I wanted to do something different. I remember making resolutions to go for bike rids, walks, whatever and never being able to follow through. I hated the way I looked, I felt horrible about myself, so I did not want to go out in public, and so it was a vicious cycle. When I was in High School both my mom and step father worked at Taco Bell. I think between the two of them they were making like $800 a month, so again what we were eating was not exactly at the top of the priority list.

I did make it to college where I met my husband. 10 months later were were married and 9 months later we were parents ( had my second daughter two years later.) For the next six years I was just trying to get through college. I still hated how I looked, and I continued to make on again off again resolutions, never sticking with anything longer than a few days or weeks. I would look at skinny people and wonder how do they do it? I knew that there was another way. I read about how herbs were good for you and that there were alternatives to western doctors. But living on student loans there was not extra money to try anything too expensive. And so I got stuck plugging along with the day to day.

I finally Graduated in 1999 and headed out into the world of work. We moved in with my mom and wound up staying there for 3 years. In that time I went back to school to get my teaching certificate and I started teaching.

When I think about the way I have cooked for my family I realize that we have never really eaten consistently healthy. I don't keep soda in the house, but there are TV dinners and the like. I have never really known how to really get started. I would look at all those foods in the produce section and have no idea where to start. Sure I could make a salad, but how on earth do you make eggplant or artichokes? So my vegetables were pretty much limited to mixed frozen veggies.

I remember reading about the Paleo diet and thinking this makes sense. But again I failed in the take off. How do you go about changing your eating habits? I would try to eliminate HFCS, but would have no idea how to go about replacing the foods that had been eliminated. I would stall out and old habits would win over.

So it has been an extremely incremental change for me. It started with reading, and being open to new ideas and food. I tried experimenting and even weight watchers. Then I finally went to ext reams and tried the Master Cleanse.

So Starting again into this journy, I have enough amassed "background knowledge" to maybe make some lasting changes. I really think the lemonade cleanse and the green smoothies are making a difference this time around. Also I look at my girls. Both of them are "overweight" and I fear for their health and happiness. I want to help them. Unfortunately it has taken me so long! They are 13 and 11. I will just have to try to be a good example and help them see the how and whys of healthy eating. I think I have reached my personal tipping point, the point where I have to do something different to hell with what anybody else says.

update

So Summer is fully underway. It has been two weeks since I started the lemonade cleanse, and I have been spending a lot of time reading about the Raw Food Diet. I am not sure that this is the best plan for me and the family, but we have been adding more healthy things. The last 3 nights I served a salad with dinner, still using the store bought dressings, but I am focusing on small steps here!

I have still not had any soda. The husband and I went out to eat yesterday at Carinos I had a spinach salad with walnut crusted chicken and a turkey panini and an Ice tea. I ate way tooo much!

My current indulgence is oatmeal cookies that I made to take advantage of the home made granola that I made that did not turn out as well as I might have liked. These have sugar in them, but at least they are homemade and chemical free.

The daughters have started to at least be open to trying Green Smoothies. They have been making Spinach, mango, bannana smoothies. So steps in the right direction.