So it has been about a month since I posted. I am still a bit discouraged because the number on the scale does not seem to be going down and I ask my self "why work so hard, when it does not seem to make a difference?" But I know that the number on the scale is only one measure of health.

This morning I had to take the car in to the shop. It is going to have to be there most of the day, so I walked the mile and half home, rather than ask for a ride or make other arrangements. This is something I probably would not have even considered more than a year ago. I think I do feel better overall. I seem to have more energy and am thinking a little more clearly. Small baby steps... I have to remember that I have to focus on good health as well as weight loss.

Discouragement

So, I am feeling very discouraged. This is about the point I tend to give up. I start off strong, and then loose all motivation. It feels like I am not seeing much difference. I have been at this (attempting to eat whole foods) for 1 month. But this week I have hit a kind of plateau. I do not have any real support besides the web. The husband is reluctant but not totally unwilling, and the children (ages 11 and 13) are ready to stage a coup.

I have lost 5-6 lbs, but the scale shows a 1 lb gain this week. It is starting to feel like this is going to be way too much work. From planning a new menu to figuring out how to shop for whole foods, ie. what is a good price for - fill in the blank- Sucanat, white whole wheat flour, agave, kale, collard greens etc.?

And I know that I will have to do a lot of experimenting. I tried to make pancakes with white whole wheat flour and I messed them up horribly. But I was able to get the family to eat vegetarian chili, though the children complained.

Last night I had a lapse, I went and got a chicken Calzone and then stopped and got a Dove candy bar at a gas station. I do not really feel any different today. I got up and went for a walk, and then had a green smoothie when I got back and then had a baked potato for lunch.

Overall I do think that I have slightly more motivation and maybe more energy, but I am having a hard time saying that I feel all that much different. So I want to reflect on the "good" things that I have been doing this month (in an effort to keep myself motivated).

Things I am doing well.

1. Soda Free - I have not had any soda (of any kind)
2. Green smoothies - I have had a green smoothie every morning
3. Limited white sugar - I have severely limited refined white sugar, and have substituted agave and honey. I have had some sugar in bread and other sneaky places. But have refrained from cakes and cookies.
   
4. More fruits and veggies - Salads, apples for snacks, etc.
5. Exercise - I continue to go for walks and track my steps (an average of 10000 steps per day this month)
6. Healthy dinners - I have discovered the family will eat Navajo tacos and veggi-chili on baked potatoes but I need to find more.
   

The tipping point

I have been thinking about my journy so far, and realized that I have been building up to this point for a long time. When reading weight loss stories it is motivating and depressing at the same time. The stories always come off like, "I just woke up one morning and I decided to exercise and follow, fill in the blank diet program, and Poof I am skinny!" So I thought I would spend some time reflecting on how I came to this current path.

I have never been happy with how I look. When I got married I was 170 lbs (I am 5 ft tall) and then with each of my children I gained 30 lbs. So 60 lbs later I hate the way I look. I went through a long period of time where I would read diet books, Stop the Insanity, Fit for Life, Eat Right For Your Type etc. And would start off with good intentions, but I could never really get off the ground with any diet program. In Jan 2003 I joined weight watchers with some friends from work and was able to stick with the program for a while, but I continued to drink Dr pepper and eat cookies. I did add in salad, and wheat bread, but I never really stuck with it. I would go through fits and starts where I would stay on the program and then I would fall off the wagon. I did manage to loose 20 lbs and achieve my first 10 % goal about a year later, then I just quit. I can't really say why exactly, but I think fear of success had a little to do with it. I hate it when people day "you look like you have lost weight" I don't know why exactly but I do. You would think I would be ecstatic, I DO WANT to lose weight, I guess I just don't want other people to notice. And so I bounced back up to 228 or so.

Growing up I never had a consistent role model for food. We were stuck in survival mode. I do not remember sitter down to dinner as a family consistently. My Mom has been overweight my entire life. And with divorces and instabilities, my life growing up was never consistent enough to worry about food. When I got to be a teenager, I wanted to do something different. I remember making resolutions to go for bike rids, walks, whatever and never being able to follow through. I hated the way I looked, I felt horrible about myself, so I did not want to go out in public, and so it was a vicious cycle. When I was in High School both my mom and step father worked at Taco Bell. I think between the two of them they were making like $800 a month, so again what we were eating was not exactly at the top of the priority list.

I did make it to college where I met my husband. 10 months later were were married and 9 months later we were parents ( had my second daughter two years later.) For the next six years I was just trying to get through college. I still hated how I looked, and I continued to make on again off again resolutions, never sticking with anything longer than a few days or weeks. I would look at skinny people and wonder how do they do it? I knew that there was another way. I read about how herbs were good for you and that there were alternatives to western doctors. But living on student loans there was not extra money to try anything too expensive. And so I got stuck plugging along with the day to day.

I finally Graduated in 1999 and headed out into the world of work. We moved in with my mom and wound up staying there for 3 years. In that time I went back to school to get my teaching certificate and I started teaching.

When I think about the way I have cooked for my family I realize that we have never really eaten consistently healthy. I don't keep soda in the house, but there are TV dinners and the like. I have never really known how to really get started. I would look at all those foods in the produce section and have no idea where to start. Sure I could make a salad, but how on earth do you make eggplant or artichokes? So my vegetables were pretty much limited to mixed frozen veggies.

I remember reading about the Paleo diet and thinking this makes sense. But again I failed in the take off. How do you go about changing your eating habits? I would try to eliminate HFCS, but would have no idea how to go about replacing the foods that had been eliminated. I would stall out and old habits would win over.

So it has been an extremely incremental change for me. It started with reading, and being open to new ideas and food. I tried experimenting and even weight watchers. Then I finally went to ext reams and tried the Master Cleanse.

So Starting again into this journy, I have enough amassed "background knowledge" to maybe make some lasting changes. I really think the lemonade cleanse and the green smoothies are making a difference this time around. Also I look at my girls. Both of them are "overweight" and I fear for their health and happiness. I want to help them. Unfortunately it has taken me so long! They are 13 and 11. I will just have to try to be a good example and help them see the how and whys of healthy eating. I think I have reached my personal tipping point, the point where I have to do something different to hell with what anybody else says.

update

So Summer is fully underway. It has been two weeks since I started the lemonade cleanse, and I have been spending a lot of time reading about the Raw Food Diet. I am not sure that this is the best plan for me and the family, but we have been adding more healthy things. The last 3 nights I served a salad with dinner, still using the store bought dressings, but I am focusing on small steps here!

I have still not had any soda. The husband and I went out to eat yesterday at Carinos I had a spinach salad with walnut crusted chicken and a turkey panini and an Ice tea. I ate way tooo much!

My current indulgence is oatmeal cookies that I made to take advantage of the home made granola that I made that did not turn out as well as I might have liked. These have sugar in them, but at least they are homemade and chemical free.

The daughters have started to at least be open to trying Green Smoothies. They have been making Spinach, mango, bannana smoothies. So steps in the right direction.

Cheating

So I really cheated yesterday. I had 3 or 4 of the daughters chocolate peanut butter chip cookies, these left a "bad" taste in my mouth, and left me wanting to eat everything in the house. I had a salad and then was still wanting something so I tried to have some Death By Chocolate Ice Cream, this too left a bad taste in my mouth. I gave the ice cream to the husband and finally I was able to subvert my "eat everything in sight" desires by having an apple and peanut butter (yes it was Jiff) So still there was some HFCS but I do still have food in the house that needs to be eaten. We will replace it with better stuff.

I started this morning off with a smoothie. I used frozen mixed berries so it is not green, perhaps I can get the family to try this one.

Going to extremes

So here I am, back at this silly blog, posting again. I know that no one is ever going to run across this silly thing, but still I want to have some outlet for my thoughts.

Summer is upon us, and again I am going into it FAT! I am 5ft 0in and 220+ pounds! AGGGGGGG
Talk about a heart attack waiting to happen. I have been walking fairly diligently since last summer, (I am averaging about 8000 steps/day) but alas no real weight loss, could be the all that ice cream I had for dinner...

So. With summer here and no commitments, no places to go no papers to grade. I decided to get drastic with this whole diet/healthy living thing. I decided to try the Master cleanse, otherwise known as the Lemon aid diet. I lasted 4 days. Here is my Master cleanse experience.

• Day 1: I felt fine, Hungry, but fine. I had 6 glasses of lemonade, I found if I decreased the maple syrup a bit it was more palatable. I went to the store to get lemons and was able to control myself.
• Day 2: I was still hungry, but did alright
• Day 3: The daughter made cookies, still I stuck to the plan.
• Day 4: I thought I was going to make the whole 10 days but the evening of day 4 I must have brewed my senna tea too long because I woke up with horrible stomach cramps.
• Day 5: I woke up feeling like some one had been punching me in the stomach all night. I decided to break the fast and had OJ and grapefruit juice and 2 slices of home made wheat bread on day.
• Day 6: (today) I woke up with a headache and tried to have more wheat bread and pineapple for breakfast, but ended up throwing it all up. This has been something that has been happening a lot lately, I wake up in the morning with a headache and then get nauseous and end up throwing up several times. Usually by mid day I am doing better and am able to keep food down, but still feel tired. so I do not know if this was a result of the fast or just normal me. We went out shopping and we went to Subway for lunch. I went ahead and ordered a footlong, but only ate half, I ate the other half for dinner. And we had iced tea to drink.
  

So I learned a few things.

1. First off I have way more self control than I ever thought I could have. I went to the GROCERY store several times and still stuck to the program. My Daughter made Chocolate cookies with peanut butter chips and I refrained.
   
2. I did succeed in loosing weight. I am down 6 lbs. I did set out to loose weight on this fast, but I also wanted to rid myself of my sugar addiction, and reliance on food when I am bored. I Can change the way that I look at food.
   
3. I learned that I can control the food that I eat. I am not a helpless victim and I can figure this out even the sea of contradicting advice that is out there.
   
4. I also learned that I can put me first, to hell with what other people think.
   

While perusing the message boards on the master cleanse site I noticed someone mentioned "green smoothies" I did a Google search and found that a green smoothie is made with greens and fruit. I thought "hey maybe I could do that!" I have tried juicing in the past, but was put off by all the wasted fruit fiber that is left over after juicing. I mean, when you pay all that money and end up throwing most of the food away, something is wrong with this picture!

So I went to the store tonight and bought kale, spinach, romaine lettuce, red lettuce ( for salad), strawberries (on sale froze half) , blueberries & raspberries (also on sale) Apples, and fresh ginger. Usually vegetables are quickly forgotten in the drawers of my refrigerator, but I washed them when we got home (took about 45 min) and put them in bags in the frig.

My current diet resolutions:

1. NO SUGAR: Will refrain from sugar as much as possible, I am not going to worry about the sugar in bread and condiments for now.
2. NO High fructose sugar! Bye Bye SODA!
3. Eat food that remembers where it came from! Green smoothies to help a lot here!
4. try out vegetarian meals. Meat is still fine for now.

I may or may not keep this updated. But I know now that I have all the will power that this is going to take to make the transition from junk food to whole food.

Back on the Walking road.

Funny how little things can make the difference. A few days ago I got that shot of Horsetooth, and it got me to thinking. Before I started walking regularly I would not have taken the 2 min walk that it took to get that shot, and that got me to thinking of all the sights I have seen while out walking, like the view from the top of Horsetooth rock, and all the things that I will see in the future. And not only the actual physical sights, but also the not so tangible ones, like better health, a size 18, my great grandchildren, etc.

So for now the camera is my new motivation. It keeps me walking because I am always looking for something to get a shot of. I know that I probably look silly caring my camera, but I really don't care, well not enough to quit at any rate. Right now I am looking forward to spring and all the colors!

I SUCK!

So it is official, I SUCK! I have totally crashed and burned and the wagon is long gone!!!!

I don't know why but it seems every time I try to really commit to weight loss, I almost immediately quit or self sabotage. I guess it feels like "why even bother the road is so long." I think I also have this fear of people noticing me. I don't know who to respond to the "you look good" kinds of comments.

My mom has diabetes, high blood pressure and was admitted into this hospital this week because she may have had a very small stroke. She is 55.
This scares me because I know that I am so much like her. Kind of scary to have a preview of me 20 or so yrs from now.

I know it is time for me to get back into the walking game. I have been really under-motivated to get my steps in. But spring is here and I really need to get in better health.

Picture: Horsetooth Rock at sunrise (moonset) a few mornings ago. A few years ago my daughter's and I took a hike up there and it was really hard. I would like to try to tackle that hike again and have it be really easy!

Confessions of a quitter

It seems every time I set out to conquer this weight loss thing I utterly and completely give up. What is up with that? I set out with the best intentions and then I just quit. Then I can't get back on it, it feels so hopeless. The road seems so long and the goal so unreachable!

The value of 8 oz

So it has been two weeks since I started this silly blog. I started out to document my weight loss journy and have already fallen off the wagon, but I am being dragged behind. So I am "hanging in there."

In the last 14 days I have managed to get in only 30 min of devoted exercise and I have not watched what I eat at all. And somehow the scale reads 1.5 lbs lower???? Not that I am exactly complaining, but why do we get so excited about these fluctuations in weight, after all 1.5 lbs is 24 oz, I think I had a soda that size this week!

I know that it is important to take joy in the little victories, and yes I know 1.5 lbs can feel like a major victory some weeks. Lets remember that it is not only about what the scale says, it is about how one feels and how ones cloths fit and weather or not I can climb that flight of stairs and hold a converstation at the top!

So here is to the 24 oz the scale says I lost this week, and to the 336 oz I have to go to reach my 1st 20 lbs goal.

In the beginning

So I was thinking while out driving today, that perhaps it would be interesting to read the daily accounts of someone as they lost weight. It is always inspiring to read "I lost 150 lbs" etc. These accounts always say something like I exersised and watched what I ate. It seems like it was POOF success. How, in their day to day life with kids and work and spouses and snow days, did this person actually achieve success in the battle of the bulge? Tips are good, and ultimately one has to figure out what works for them I always find myself thinking, just how in the world did they do that? What were the actual steps, what challenges did they face, how did they overcome them?

I have not found any day to day accounts, though I imagine they exist. Why is it so hard to lose wight and keep it off? It feels like it is a task that can rarely be accomplished, and those that do must have cheated.

And so I set out to make my own travel log. I have started this journey several times, and each time I have set out wanting to lose weight, to fit into my wedding dress again etc. Sure that I could achieve success. But each time I have failed. So again today I set out on the road to transforming my body to what I want it to be. A road that I have turned away from many times. For many reasons. Today I set out again, the journy of a thousand miles begins with a single step.